01/07/24
been listening to the same song over and over and over and over again. i feel at the edge of the precipice. it isn't a bad view, but it is stunning in the full sense of the word. i'm trembling with anticipation for the next act and i fairly confident i'll make it alive to experience it. there's a lot wrong with me, but there's enough will to make it right. to make peace with what's broken and embrace it. to fix it. by it i mean me. to fix him. to fix her. to fix it.
life is different from here on. this is a new chapter. i can't write a huge The with ornaments and leave the page blank. i will survive.
changing topic to something less dark:
i'm excited to participate in art fight this year! i have two characters posted, not the Newest Coolest ones, but still characters I do care about.
The song Brutus by The Buttress has been echoing inside my head. I'm thinking of making a pair of characters with an animatic of the song in mind. I won't work on it immediately (as Art Fight and commissioned work comes first!!), but I will get to it in a month or two.
I'm relieved I didn't kill myself.
To make this even more all over the place, stupid and incomprehensible; updates on how life's been:
- god this one is actually a little difficult to talk about. wasn't expecting that. i'll replace it, then: i have a cat now! I named her after my favorite kind of nut.
- my partner and I almost broke up. There was growing tension, we were fighting all the time and it was too much. I asked him to not come back home (it was more complicated than that, but I can't bring myself to word it any different). It was miserable. I missed him. Still do. Today was supposed to be the day he would come home, but he had to work. I think we'll be ok. I hope so. I'll be ok, so we'll work together to be ok.
- therapy's been... challenging. We opened many doors I didn't want to open yet, but that's how it's supposed to be. I'll never be ready to open, it'll always hurt. Still working on making peace with myself, with the people who hurt me, with my parents, all the bullshit. I'll survive. I'll live, even.
My name is Brutus and my name means heavy,
so with a heavy heart I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my enemy.
My whole whole life you were a teacher and a friend to me,
please know my actions aren't motivated only by envy.
I, too, have a destiny:
This death will be art!
People will speak of this day from near and afar.
This event will be history, and I'll be great too
I don't want what you have: I want to be you. ⋆.˚𖦹⋆✮⋆.˚