23-10-10 - getting better? (this one gets borderline personal)
hello ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹
it's been a while. i guess i changed a little since the last post (which i think is my objective); i've been taking my dog on walks a lot more. i've been trying to cook for myself & my partner somewhat frequently. i've been going to the studio with my partner everyday (which is unusual for both of us). i have done a couple drawings in the past few weeks, nothing to be immensely proud of, but some progress.
yesterday i went for a psychologist appointment for the first time in a year or two. it felt weird, a little uncomfortable touching stuff i don't think healed properly. it's specially weird to touch on the memories of my most recent traumas; some are kind of funny to even refer to as traumas. i think i carry some guilt from them. even though the situations were completely out of my control and in both situations (one a lot more than the other) i don't think i'm the one to blame for how things turned out, but i do think i could have handled everything a lot better. i want to be better.
in a good way, this feels like rock bottom. there isn't really a place that is "rock bottom", it is simply the place in which you are able to get back up on your feet and dig yourself back up. right now, i feel like i'm about to get up. i don't know how much i can trust that feeling, though, since i'm pretty sure i've felt it before and didn't really get out of the hole yet - maybe healing just takes a longer hike than i expect it to? anyway, i hope to keep myself breathing over the surface.
hoping to form better habits, be happier and not kill myself
good night! ฅ•ﻌ•ฅ